wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
