do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
