This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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