I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
