Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
