I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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