Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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