So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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