A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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