here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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