He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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