You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
