Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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