The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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