You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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