She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
