his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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