someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He did a backflip because drugs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
