I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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