we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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