white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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