i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
