I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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