I'm going to jail i love you
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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