Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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