Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
