Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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