Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
