ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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