do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
