My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
