she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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