i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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