On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
