Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
