mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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