You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
did i just pee glitter
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
