Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
