so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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