SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
