I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
