Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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