A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
