i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
