it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
