I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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