JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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