i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
