Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
