is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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