turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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