This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
