so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
