Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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