My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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