Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
