I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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