i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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